Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They never should have made the game life. I was under the misconception that it was as easy as rolling dice, getting awarded a job, and stacking pegs on top of your car.

   Good Morning , I see the assassins have failed

   Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

   for more info on lung cancer, keep smoking..

   taking a nap.... and not giving it back.

   this Chick that's trying to get him fired for allegedly giving her "Inappropriate Massages" in the Office, or so she claims. I told her "Good Luck Honey: I Don't Even Work Here!!"

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   WARNING: As of today - Facebook will start dragging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings>Planetary Settings>Trajectory then UNCLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse'.

   LOVE ~ It's a special kind of stupid.....

   Today, it took 473 licks to get to the center of my Tootsie Pop. You're welcome, World.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying “there's one.”

   “I'm Single ” doesn't mean ” I'm looking for somebody “, just thought you should know.

   Happiness isn't getting what you love, it's loving what you get...

   Copy and paste this as ur status, send it to 3 people in 10 minutes, absolutely nothing will happen! It works! Ive done it twice and both times nothing happened!

   If girls think giving birth is hard try playing call of duty on a laggy server

   I'd mind my own business if yours was a little less interesting

   It's ok to crack your knuckles, just don't knuckle your crack

   the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!

   for an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, call your friends, and brag about it!

   I just found out there is an "acceptable" amount of radioactive iodine in water.