Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield, it said parking fine

   Marriage is like a late night phone call. You get a ring and then you wake up.

   Party like a rockstar is no longer acceptable. You party like Charlie Sheen, or you don't party at all !

   greatest pickup line ever: "Some of my friends were talking about some video game and I don't want to sound like a loser in front of them.. so what's Black Ops?"

   After last night, I do believe being pregnant is like your unborn being on Section 8. Where else can they live dirt cheap, eat free food all the while pissing the hell out of the landlord.

   How does Robocop have so many rounds of bullets in that little clip??

   HAH....the radio just said it's Rosie O'Donnell's 49th birthday..... And here I thought he was more like 60 !.... just sayin'

   young at heart..... other parts slightly older.. and broken!

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while you eating it?

   When the hell did my delusions of grandeur, turn into delusions of adequacy?!?

   [This status has been removed for violating thought processes]

   We all have a devil and an angel on our shoulders. Only problem is my devil has a gym membership!

   I met a girl today in class, she told me to call her. So I found her on fbook and messaged her instead. Swag.

   I grew 2 inches today. and yes thats exactly what youre thinking...

   Have you ever met a girl who you instantly know you shouldnt be talking too but you still do it anyways. Me either.

   If I was homeless I would enter various resturants and yell "FOOD FIGHT!"

   I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.

   If a man tells you he deleted those pictures off is phone....he didn"t delete them.