Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

   You know, if I had a girlfriend, I'd be a lot happier. Does anyone have an extra one they don't need?

   I feel like punching baby kittens, whenever I see ungrateful douchebags yell at their smartphone, because it's taking more than a minute to upload something….YOU'RE GETTING A SIGNAL FROM SPACE…GIVE IT A MINUTE…

   It's great to see somebody change their relationship status on Facebook to 'Married' when they are actually legally married.

   Not to worry Obama will fix everything while he's on vacation in Rio this weekend......

   there's something special about today....maybe its because I finally decided to shave my legs

   Lick the alphabet. Yea, you know what I am talking about, don't even lie.

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.

   The best selling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

   if you are going to write on the dust on my car please dont date it

   Does Angry Birds get it's name because the birds are angry at you when you can't beat a level or because it makes you angry when you can't?

   The only time I don't 'get it' in a good way is at work.

   I went to a Chinese restaurant and saw the sexiest woman I have ever saw, so I was blunt and said I wanna 69...she brought me Beef and Broccoli.

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   According to my Bikini Bottom translator, the word "Barnacle" means "FU#K" in the United States

   I heard that old Paris Hilton song "Stars are blind" today. Still stinks! Listening to that song is probily more painful than getting a prostate exam from Freddy Kruger!

   Consider the social cohesion and dignity of the Japanese people in the face of unimaginable catastrophe. Contrast that with the behavior of Americans when faced with Black Friday.

   I truly believe that the key difference between men and women, is that a man can break a woman's heart, but a woman will sh!t IN a man's heart...

   for every pinch, you get a kick in the lucky charms! Feeling lucky?!

   so Irish he bleeds whiskey.