Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I click the "LIKE" button on people's statuses just so I can then click the "UNLIKE" button. One of my many cheap thrills...

   And then it hit me, reality- just like when you realize the chicken you ate last night wasn't cooked all the way...

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.

   Cutting education funding to help the economy is like planting chicken eggs rather than feeding the hen.

   I have so little game I'm not even allowed to play miniature golf.

   I'll bet you the President gets his mail today.

   Its peanut butter and jelly time. Minus the peanut butter, hold the jelly and with beer.

   Does the President get time and a half on Presidents Days?

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

   I just googled 2013 and it said the new Batman movie comes out SO TAKE THAT MAYANS.

   clicked find freinds.....and all it said was good luck

   There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap".

   love is a social disease.

   thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet.

   Geting your wife two gifts but telling her one is for my Wife and the other is for my Lover is not a good idea. because she wont get it

   wondering why zombies wear such drab clothing... They' look a lot less un-dead I'd they'd just spice up their wardrobes with a bit of color.

   Evidently once your mother leaves the house you jump on her computer and think your a comedian with the "once you....."

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   babies have it so easy, they can poop or puke on anyone and people will still think theyre cute!