Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   -- I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I'm calling it a 'Towel'. .....

   survived April Fools Day without being pranked, however there was a baby on my doorstep this morning, but i'm pretty sure thats unrelated.

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

   What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken

   REMEMBER:If you burn down your house on Thanksgiving....the Turkey wins.

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   Score ! I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough...... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there's a movie I'd pay to see.

   It's not that I hate you, it's just.. well i'll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I'd drink i

   just cause they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.

   Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy. Now open your eyes. Disappointing, isn't it?

   If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.

   who cares about weight or looks a beautiful woman to me is one who is comfortable in her own skin with a credit score more than 715.

   LOVE it when i'm home alone! There is nobody to verify that I have done NOTHING in the last 2 hours.

   you know what works better than a rape whistle? a rape pistol.

   it sexual herassment if a midget tells you your hair smells good?

   When someone rings the doorbell...why do dogs always assume it's for them ???

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   Why do people re-post the same status? It wasn't funny 2 days ago. It's still not funny today

   I don't want to live forever. But if I found the Fountain of Youth, I'd definitely stick my balls in it.