Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There needs to be a passenger side horn so that I can honk at my wife when she's driving.

   Brian Williams said the dress is gold and white because he was there when it was made.

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.

   I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   So, the prisoner exchange for Sgt. Bergdahl was illegal. I guess we are going to have to send him back.

   I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science

   I would totally watch a House Hunters companion show that explains how some of these idiots have so much freakin' money.

   Why people stopped wearing swords everywhere is beyond me?

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.