Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 76 of 6452

   messageicon The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off
←Rate | 02-17-2021 12:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"
←Rate | 02-21-2019 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.
←Rate | 06-28-2019 19:49 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.
←Rate | 04-30-2016 12:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.
←Rate | 11-18-2018 02:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]
←Rate | 11-26-2018 13:23 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat
←Rate | 12-17-2018 05:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”
←Rate | 07-12-2019 22:18 by PosterBoy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.
←Rate | 09-16-2019 20:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 21:59 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..
←Rate | 01-30-2020 07:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
←Rate | 02-12-2020 08:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.
←Rate | 03-03-2020 06:32 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left