Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.

   A lot of problems would disappear if people talked to each other more than talking about each other.

   Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   I think it's safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   Constipated People Don't Give A crap

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   Happy Get Drunk to Make Your Inlaws Less Annoying Day Eve!

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.

   wonders how different the world would be if bad and stupid people came with warning labels

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.