Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   .... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   The same people who are pushing "Pregnant Men Emoji's" are canceling you for "Misinformation."

   The less people you chill with, the less shi t you have to deal with

   "I bet you I can get people to buy the shirt from a game they don't even know how to play." -Ralph Lauren

   LOVE: nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

   It takes me a while to warm up to new people but I will kiss a dog I just met on the mouth.

   I called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said "make it quick."

   Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.

   Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after things they can't afford... Mercedes, Diamond, Pearl, Car Insurance.