Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

   So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...

   People You May Know = I know none of these people.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   Thinks that you people are just lucky that I am so terrified of Prison!!

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   I've discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I'm probably going to die alone.

   MLM's…aka "PYRAMID SCHEMES" is just like the LOTTERY. It gives MILLIONS of people hopes & dreams but in reality they just end up losing money while ONLY A FEW hit the jackpot.

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   I whip my hair back and forth is probably the most depressing song for bald people

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.

   I think before we vote, we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what's REALLY on their minds.

   Sometimes I want to ask certain people, "So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?"

   A drunk man's reasoning; "What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"

   Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.