Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 310 of 6385
People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
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08-06-2012 22:37 by BEGO
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Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.
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08-30-2012 10:52 by Zambonie
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According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.
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08-30-2012 10:55
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Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.
Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
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12-18-2012 23:59 by TyC
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I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
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01-04-2013 23:13 by Danmanz
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Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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01-26-2013 13:07 by flinnie
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'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"
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10-27-2012 15:31 by Danmanz
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Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
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11-22-2012 21:33 by BEGO
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Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.
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12-10-2012 14:09 by JMartin
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Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.
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09-18-2012 04:42 by Czovczov
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I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.
There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.
when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?
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10-04-2012 04:30 by Eddy
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I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
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10-19-2012 09:01
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When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole
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03-01-2013 21:18 by BEGO
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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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03-11-2013 19:10
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I hope I live to see the day kindness goes viral.
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03-12-2013 21:56
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