Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 245 of 6384
I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.
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09-13-2012 23:20 by Jason
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Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.
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08-18-2010 12:40 by Shamus
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Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.
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12-14-2011 13:52 by fadolo
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my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."
Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?
Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?
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04-19-2011 15:18
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Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.
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04-22-2011 08:10 by Scott T
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All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.
: Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....
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10-17-2010 15:22
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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....
What do you say when an atheist sneezes...?
dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...
When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!
My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.
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07-27-2013 14:05 by Baddie
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In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.
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07-21-2013 17:14 by HiYourJon
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My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…
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08-03-2013 20:28 by Steve OH
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Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.
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04-23-2013 14:01
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Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?
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03-05-2013 21:47 by eengrms
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