Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 236 of 6384
I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.
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09-17-2014 01:49 by Baddie
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I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.
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08-30-2012 10:49
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Go home North Korea, you're drunk!
I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
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10-23-2012 11:56 by SEAN
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There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.
Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?
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09-22-2011 18:46
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Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
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05-17-2011 16:06
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Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."
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03-17-2011 18:31 by CALZ
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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
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06-14-2012 17:31
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Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.
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07-04-2012 16:57
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.
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11-01-2011 23:05
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How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner
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12-05-2011 20:36 by Banjaxed
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Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.
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03-29-2010 09:18
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I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.
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11-30-2010 20:07
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