Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   Just when you think you got the answer...someone changes the question.

   Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...

   Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!

   WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.

   just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..