Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 230 of 6384
can't seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
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01-27-2011 07:25 by Dopey420
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n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.
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02-17-2011 09:05 by Will
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They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
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02-18-2012 08:06 by snotty
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WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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05-26-2011 18:15
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If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.
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08-28-2010 22:37
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I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.
The government did not write the constitution to give rights to the people. The people wrote the constitution to limit the government's power.
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01-12-2013 09:01
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Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..
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10-28-2010 11:07 by The Piper
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I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."
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12-09-2010 21:41 by momzadork
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Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"
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01-23-2011 11:16 by Will
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Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position
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08-10-2011 12:00
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Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
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10-18-2011 18:21 by Dani
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I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
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12-08-2011 05:32 by The piper
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I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!
Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
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09-24-2012 08:33 by SEAN
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Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.