Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.

   There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.

   Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

   You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.

   when I think of a selfie, I'm not sure it's the same thing you're thinking of

   I'm thinking the woman with 4 kids on leashes at Walmart should probably stop buying her condoms at Walmart.

   Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some background music.

   The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.

   Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

   Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

   My first mistake was thinking she couldn't hit a moving target.

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   Russia is going to the moon, we can't even get to the next state with the price of gas

   nobody is going to give you a $100 gift card just for liking their business on Facebook. If your that dumb you shouldn't be on the internet to start with.

   I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.