Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ever have one of those days when you wish you had the Cone of Silence so you could scream your lungs out without anyone hearing you after debating with a friend who is stuck on stupid?

   There is a day just for humping??!! Why wasn't I notified about this sooner?!

   "You think you're better than me?" No, I don't fall prey to the notion that one person can be 'better' than another. How good a person is, is completely impossible to quantify. I do think I'm smarter than you, though. And infinitely more awesome.

   I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.

   Theres too much blood in my caffeine system!!

   Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.

   Ok,,, I really like you Thursday, but it's Friday I truly love. It's not that I'm not happy when i'm with you, it's just that Friday does so much more for me!!!

   She says she doesn't have to change her relationship status on Facebook to show her love? It's because she's still banging her ex.

   Tip for the day: Don't throw manure into the wind.

   's 3 year old daughter has shown herself to be a real woman. She has no interest in baseball and had no interest in Daddie until baseball came on.

   What did all these desperate people do to get laid before the internet?

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   busy swimming in the deep end of the pool so not to drown in the shallowness of the world.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis

   I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

   According to the new astrological signs, astrology is still complete bullsh!t.

   needs to have a fixed income... mine is broken.

   Starting my new excercise routine- I am tired of looking like I have two sets of breasts.

   if you think weakness can be turned into strength, I hate to tell you this buddy; but that is another weakness.

   I'm just not that into you.....when I'm sober.