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Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
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07-10-2020 08:39
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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07-10-2020 08:41
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The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
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07-03-2016 14:56
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Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
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07-19-2016 11:21
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"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
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11-20-2018 18:06
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I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?
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12-10-2018 01:01 by
Moon
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My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.
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12-27-2018 11:41
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I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.
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12-29-2018 00:59 by
Joker
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[watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.
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02-10-2019 05:40
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Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it
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02-16-2019 01:24
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I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.
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02-20-2019 12:53
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Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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08-14-2019 05:47
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Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
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08-15-2019 05:48
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just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway
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08-20-2019 13:40
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
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08-23-2019 06:31
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I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.
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08-23-2019 06:38
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Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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08-24-2019 13:21
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have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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08-25-2019 16:13
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
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08-27-2019 04:21
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When someone rings my doorbell, I'm every bit as upset as my dogs.
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08-27-2019 04:22
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