Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 194 of 6384
Whenever my boss calls me into her office my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.
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02-06-2020 12:30
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Brooms are standing and strippers are falling. What's this world coming to
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02-11-2020 18:55
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Thanks, but I think I'll pass on clicking on your link that scans all my personal facebook information into some unknown database to tell me what color my aura is.
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02-13-2020 16:23
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There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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02-18-2020 06:24
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Flip phones are coming back into style which means I'll finally look cool using my old one that's more streamlined and cost $1,400 less.
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02-19-2020 10:32
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Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, and number, a special character, and emoji, eight elements of the periodic table and a short story with a protagonist, character development and a plot twist at the end
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02-19-2020 14:28 by Rickster
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"
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02-21-2020 14:09
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A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.
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02-27-2020 06:30
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see
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03-01-2020 07:31
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...
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03-06-2020 09:54
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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03-06-2020 09:55
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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
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03-12-2020 08:17
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If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to.
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03-18-2020 20:37 by Klh
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Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Weird Al Yankovic
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03-19-2020 08:16
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I'm here to announce that I too am suspending my Presidential Campaign. I want to thank all my supporters and the one or two of you that even knew that I was running.
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03-20-2020 00:06 by T
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I can't wait to one day tell my grand kids, "When I was your age, toilet paper was everywhere! You could find all over the place, even in gas station food marts1"
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03-26-2020 08:00
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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03-26-2020 11:01
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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03-26-2020 15:34
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Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.
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03-30-2020 07:06
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
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06-16-2020 08:08
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