Funny Status Messages
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Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny. 
If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.
It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
250,000 Union Soldiers died to end slavery in the United States ..... They were the first and genuine Black Lives Matter movement.
Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.
It's gotten so bad that Trump has reached out to Puerto Rico and asked for the paper towels back..
It really freaks people out when I use my invisible hula hoop.
so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"
I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace
Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.
Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...
You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu
A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.
And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves 