Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?