Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again.

   “Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

   Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

   Well that will be the last gender reveal party I'm ever invited to. Guess I shouldn't have stood up and said, "I'll go first!"

   I dont know what it is about sex that has me panting afterwards. Maybe its the physical exertion, complex techniques, age... or could just be inflating the darn blow up doll every single time!

   Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities

   Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate that started doing CrossFit.

   So what happened to Oscar the Grouch if you overslept on trash day?

   Not now, I'm binge watching the weather channel.

   me: raises hell Hell: put me back down!

   I just read a statistic that someone gets hit by a car every eight seconds. That guy must be hurtin', man.

   Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

   60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.

   Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

   I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

   My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

   *Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

   Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

   My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.