Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   I'll acknowledge Canada Day whey they finally acknowledge that's not bacon.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

   Hoping people are not gonna play Pokemon Go during the Summer Olympics games in Rio... looking for Zikaachu..

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

   My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.

   How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room

   Canadians have their own Alcoholic program..........Eh Eh

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   I like the way your medication thinks.

   Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.

   Surgeon General warns taking a shot for every lie told in tonight's debate will result in acute alcohol poisoning.