Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 162 of 6384
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
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06-02-2018 17:23
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DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE
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06-07-2018 15:12
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The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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06-12-2018 09:40
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With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.
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06-18-2018 10:30
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Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?
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07-05-2018 02:29
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In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
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07-08-2018 00:30
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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08-10-2018 03:33
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"This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo
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08-29-2018 09:00
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My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.
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09-08-2018 00:35 by Haha
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Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
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09-10-2018 06:51
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As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
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09-10-2018 06:53
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40
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09-14-2018 01:25
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Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
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09-17-2018 07:46
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I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
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09-21-2018 23:06 by Meh!
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Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.
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10-04-2018 05:32 by Haha
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Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.
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10-05-2018 16:35 by Haha
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
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10-21-2018 06:32
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Just once, I'd like to see a judge
take the verdict slip from the jury,
look at it, and then turn and say,
"ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"
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10-23-2018 08:57
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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12-29-2016 16:57 by SEAN
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I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
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03-20-2017 16:50
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