Funny Status Messages

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   My future wife is probably lying in bed right now texting her man about how they’re gonna be together forever. I think not, see you in five years sweetheart

   If you're not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.

   Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.

   Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing,still you say..."I Agree".....!

   At my age.... It's always Happy Hour!

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   Match.com. #1 in dates, marriages, divorces and restraining orders...

   When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.

   Why is it when you go to the bank and ask for a loan the first thing you have to do is prove that you don't need it?

   I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.

   Beto is like the guy that gets cut from the High School football team and says now he's going to join the NFL

   Keep the smile, leave the tear, think of joy, forget the fear… hold the laugh, leave the pain, be joyous, coz it's New Years! HAPPY NEW YEAR! ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

   I tYp3 LyK tHi5 cuz i'm cool, No..you type like that because you failed English Now go to preschool and ‘Type like this.'

   welcomes you to her profile. Straight jackets are by the wall, meds are in the boxes. Enjoy your stay, and please visit again!

   Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

   I think NASCAR would be fun if they added a 92-year old driving the opposite way in a Duster.

   "America's Got Talent" should be renamed "America's Got Weirdos".

   Comparing Journey to Justin Beiber is like comparing the finest wine to pee.

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.