Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

   People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.

   When i'm Single,all I see are couples being happy.When i'm Dating someone,all I see are Single,being happy.

   T Pain is so old now, he changed his name to Knee Pain!

   Hey NFL...you should ask Mizzou how they've been getting along since they tolerated all of that social justice protesting! Haha, it's a ghost town over there!

   If lemons could talk I bet they would say "Hey! Did you know you have a papercut?"

   The first rule of Might Club is maybe.

   How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   Only 364 more days until Halloween!! I know, I know. I can't wait either.

   Bad Politicians are elected by Good People who DON'T VOTE!

   I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

   My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

   People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

   Just a deplorable trying to not get suicided by the clinton crime regime.

   people can cry and cry all they want about who won and who didn't but when you have a 50% voter turnout you have only yourself to blame.

   Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate

   If you have enough cats you don't even need a blanket.

   Came Across a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbor's house