Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   Some women talk way too much. Sometimes I wish they can run out of minutes like cell phones. Her - "Let me tell you something else..." You - "Haha, You can only talk on nights and weekends now!"

   Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"

   Life is a beach, i'm just playing in the sand.

   The lies....the deceit...the broken promises....These movies on Lifetime really bug me...Hey wait....My bad...It's a political commercial!!!!!

   Ladies, my lost and found box is getting full. So, if you're missing an earring, silk scarves, lingerie or a prosthetic leg....let me know.

   MONDAY: Mentally Overworked, Nauseated, Dysfunctional And Yucky

   Dear Lord, Please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Beiber, Richard Simmons, or Snooki......your pick

   Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better off without so much technology. - Sent from my iPhone

   New Year's eve practice tonight

   Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.

   "be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people

   You know you're ugly when you can't even get poked on facebook

   Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

   The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.

   Before a Staring Contest I always blink a lot to get ready.

   You know you're having a bad day when your blow up doll ran away with your air mattress

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   Why is it that people who need to borrow money can find you like Google Maps, but when the time comes to pay you back they disappear like Osama Bin Laden