Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is a beach, i'm just playing in the sand.

   The lies....the deceit...the broken promises....These movies on Lifetime really bug me...Hey wait....My bad...It's a political commercial!!!!!

   Ladies, my lost and found box is getting full. So, if you're missing an earring, silk scarves, lingerie or a prosthetic leg....let me know.

   MONDAY: Mentally Overworked, Nauseated, Dysfunctional And Yucky

   Dear Lord, Please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Beiber, Richard Simmons, or Snooki......your pick

   Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better off without so much technology. - Sent from my iPhone

   New Year's eve practice tonight

   Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.

   "be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people

   You know you're ugly when you can't even get poked on facebook

   Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

   The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.

   Before a Staring Contest I always blink a lot to get ready.

   You know you're having a bad day when your blow up doll ran away with your air mattress

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   Why is it that people who need to borrow money can find you like Google Maps, but when the time comes to pay you back they disappear like Osama Bin Laden

   Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?

   Getting snubbed by the left turn arrow at an intersection after waiting your turn is annoying. Getting skipped twice? I will murder you, light! But a third time?! Clearly a valid legal defense for blowing right through that mother f*cker.

   I bought a gps so my wife would quit telling which direction to take...now I have two women telling where to go.