Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

   You can only say WTF so many times in a day before you just start drinking!!!

   The Bangles just issued a press release that they have a new song coming out. "Run Like an Egyptian"

   I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   alot of people believe they came from monkeys...im not going to argue with them.

   wow, by several of the last status posts, we can see that Ferguson must have gotten their Internet back!!!

   I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your get your ugly yellow no good kester off my property, before I pump your gust full of led 1....2.... 10

   Oh, you're a lesbian? You're not attracted to men, so you go date girls that look like men. That makes complete sense.

   So that's why I work so many hours, so you can collect Welfare, wear pajamas in public and have an iPhone.

   I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and boxers as slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!

   BOY: Hey you must be tired... GIRL: Let me guess, coz I was running through your mind all day? BOY: Hell No! From jumping to conclusions, b*tch

   At the drive thru at my bank. The tube came back with my cash and a Chilean miner

   born with no eyelids. Doctor used some of the extra foreskin from my circumcision to make some. He said I would be fine, just a little cock-eyed.

   When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!

   I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.

   My wife gave me an apple to eat for breakfast. So, this is what Adam felt like.

   I don't care what happens when FATHER catches DAUGHTER on her WEBCAM! Stop posting that darn link to my wall!!

   You're not ugly, your simply hard to look at...that's ALL!!

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.