Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

   My life coach just benched me.

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.

   always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.

   won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.

   People who always use analogies are like a mosquito in your sleeping bag.

   wants to thank the people that posted those 'Yeah Favre Retired!' Status's last week. Thanks to you, I now know who NOT to get my NFL updates from."

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to say ‘make love' without using a funny voice. I usually go with the deep, Spanish accent.

   At the rate at which I'm going I doubt if I'll remember the last week of 2010....

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   It's a known fact that hopping on one leg after stubbing your toe helps to relieve the pain.

   I thought they put covers on books SO I could judge them.

   When outdoors use the buddy system... if a wild animal approaches push your buddy toward it and run like hell

   The postage is outrageous on these mail order brides!

   Well today was a total waste of makeup.

   Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.

   While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.

   Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.