Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   "As seen on tv": Get two pieces of crap that don't work for the price of one.

   My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.

   Ladies if you want me, I'll be in the Friend zone driving under the speed limit as usual.

   I meant every drunken word... Whatever they were.

   We get it, media. Ben Affleck and Bill Mahr argued over Islam. Isn't there some real news to report??

   What's the best age to tell your kids that they have a weak rap game?

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.

   Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

   For all you people thinking about giving healthy Halloween treats, just stop now while you are ahead

   Admit it, we all have that special someone we'd visit if given a tank to drive for a day

   Restrooms in the future: 1. Men 2. Women 3. Selfies

   The woman in front of me at Kroger had a box of wine, a flower arrangement, some cat treats and two packages of batteries. Is it wrong for me to assume that she is single and treating herself to a day in?

   Turns out an At Home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.

   A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

   Girl Scout cookie season is specifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.

   Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car…The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   I never date left handed women. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

   20s: Sure, I'll take the floor... 30s: The floor? No, But I'll sleep on the couch.... 40s: What thread count are your sheets?

   While you guys were distracted by the smoke screens the Government placed in the form of gender neutral bathrooms, election drama, and racism...Tyler Perry was right under our noses making another movie. Wake up America. This has to stop.