Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 109 of 6384
I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
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04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y
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After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
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06-22-2017 14:14
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OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?
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09-22-2017 07:21
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Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
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04-22-2012 17:12 by XX-FOXY
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I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
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12-20-2017 05:44
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Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.
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12-01-2017 18:34
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I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
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09-14-2021 02:47
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Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.
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08-31-2018 09:52
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Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.
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11-21-2017 13:09 by AkeelyMac
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A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.
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08-31-2019 20:17
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Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.
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12-15-2018 00:21 by JeffW
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If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.
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02-20-2019 12:52
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I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.
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04-11-2019 09:13
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If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...
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06-01-2019 16:03
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Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?
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06-04-2019 17:06 by Gabe
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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
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09-27-2019 17:55 by DJJackson
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One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
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01-10-2018 18:01
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Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
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02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS
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It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling
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03-13-2018 02:57
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Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically
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04-11-2018 09:36
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