Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 109 of 6453

Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like
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02-23-2018 15:33
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I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.
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03-14-2018 07:30 by MDS
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if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.
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03-21-2018 16:24
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I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
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04-09-2018 11:27
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Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
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04-27-2020 15:31
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Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
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04-22-2012 17:12 by XX-FOXY
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Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.
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08-31-2018 09:52
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I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
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09-14-2021 02:47
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Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.
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12-01-2017 18:34
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Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.
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11-21-2017 13:09 by AkeelyMac
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A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.
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08-31-2019 20:17
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Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.
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12-15-2018 00:21 by JeffW
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If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.
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02-20-2019 12:52
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I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.
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04-11-2019 09:13
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If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...
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06-01-2019 16:03
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Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?
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06-04-2019 17:06 by Gabe
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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
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09-27-2019 17:55 by DJJackson
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One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
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01-10-2018 18:01
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Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
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02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS
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