Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.

   The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.

   Copy and Paste this status if you think Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending us never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   My new boss walked into my office and asked me if I had a sec... I replied, "sure, I have lots of secs!" Things have been very awkward since then.

   * asks plastic surgeon " can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?"

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like "Damn, where you get all them cards?"

   My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.

   When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don't accidentally kiss a dog.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."

   ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.