Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

   *Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."

   Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.

   Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

   The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

   I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.

   Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.

   I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.