Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ladies, if a guy ever texted you the heart emoticon, chances are he also fantasizes about your brother.

   Just checked the burgers in the fridge.... And they're off.....

   The sound of a child's laughter makes me smile. Unless its in Zombies! Dang box!

   I accidentally ran over someone's cat today and was too nervous to track down the owner and tell them what I did, so I left a note on it that said "Curiosity was here."

   do asian people widen there eyes and say "IM AMERICAN!"?

   Damn! Trump really hates the LGBT community. I don't remember any president openly come out as a bigot and proud of it.

   My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

   went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

   The news just broadcast that 2 actors I've never heard of are getting a divorce and I was sad...that $#@% like that qualifies as news.

   There are moments in history that I believed the world was moving forward then there are moments like last night that remind you it hasn't moved an inch.

   I admit youre funny on facebook.... But I will never talk to you in real life. EVER!

   Gays wear their boxes on backwards for easy access.

   Just treated myself to a couple of chocolate fingers ..... That's the LAST time I buy cheap toilet paper.

   asks: It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.

   I have to admit, I am a Creationist- I believe God was created by man.

   In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

   hitting higher highs, and lower lows

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in my shoe till the end of the day.

   could not take it anymore...I felt like the speaker was baiting me..so I threw my zima at his head and told them all...AA needs to tone this s***down a bit....and I left

   ...so the stumbling Cowboys play the bumbling Vikings on Sunday. Uh oh. Somebody gonna be 1-4.