Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .I texted my girlfriend saying who sang 'Party Rock Anthem'. She replied 'LMFAO'. I don't get what's so funny?

   12 Days FB gave to me... 12 Chicks I'm blocking... 11 friends just watching... 10 corny topics.... 9 busted barbies... 8 friends complaining... 7 stalkers stalking... 6 party invites... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeen

   Fighting for peace is like f^cking for virginity.

   The ones who could afford 1st class on the Malaysian airlines flight, didn't live any longer than those on economy...

   If he doesn't with the Super Bowl this year with the Jets. Rex Ryan asked Bill Belichick to sell him one of his Super Bowl rings. . .

   Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there.

   Why hasn't Obama shutdown NPR and PBS yet? It's not like anyone tunes in anyway.

   going to opt for GPS on our next dryer. Should help locate those missing socks.

   This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now

   You know you need to lose weight when none of your towels fit

   In a relationship with Russell Stover

   Orange Man bad? Let him who is without sin cast the first ballot.

   I want to make you feel like your the only girl in the world LOL jks I got ho's, in different area codes!!

   "Welcome, you have no mail, but you have 200 spam messages from yours truly"

   Going to walmart with some friends of mine. Thats the best place to play hide-n-seek.

   So if I get stopped by a cop in AZ and they ask me "Papers" and I respond "Scissors!", who wins?

   just invented a new parachute for morons...it opens on impact.

   my life may not be perfect, my life may not be pretty, my life may have its ups and its downs. my life has its joy7s and its tears but it is my life

   Drinking beer and watching Nascars , People ask me what's my favorite kind of beer I tell am an open one!

   Treat me like an angel.....and il take you 2 heaven! ;-)