Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"

   There are soo many Rainbows on Facebook I can taste it- Skittles...

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   ok i'm done with the ice bucket Challenge .... WHATS next ?

   Actually, Yes! I do want to see a picture of your Mother-In-Law Eli. Your wife is hot!

   It's National Beaver Day.

   I bet Payton Mannings family is going to have a hard time eating today. Every time someone asks him to pass the turkey, it's going to get intercepted

   Screenshot me, I dare you. I'll climb through your window and smash your phone so quick.

   Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽

   Why regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted...

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look content until the next Star Wars movie comes out.

   Who remembers when a quarter was worth 12 dollars. I could buy a pack of cigarettes, a can of Pepsi and a bag of chips for a quarter. . .

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat, drunk, stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   If you're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you put your head lights on does it act as breaks and slow you down. . .

   If anyone knows of anyone who sells mass amounts of weed let me know.. The cops want to speak with them

   If my boyfriend wants to break up, he has to make a 16-slide powerpoint with his sources cited on why and if I don't like it then we are still going out

   Just when you start to feel like you're #1, God throws a blue turtle shell.

   lost all my contacts on my phone

   What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...