Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Allow me to water your balls so they can grow. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   What do you think i'm some kind of Summoner?

   Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away

   Telling someone, “Good Luck in your future endeavors” is just a polite way of telling saying, "Go f--c--k yourself."

   Wife : Does these jeans make me look fat ?? Me : Nope ... your FAT makes you look fat !!

   Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.

   Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

   ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. a dog. I have a bike. do you like tv? I saw a rock, hi!

   why did it have to be Kim Jong Il...why couldn't it have been Beiber

   I wanna write "I miss you" on a rock then throw it to your face, so you can feel how missing you hurts.

   Yeah, I can see where decorating your office for Christmas takes priority over you actually doing the job you're getting paid for. While you're at it you might as well decorate the bathroom too, someone might actually give a sh*t in there

   What's Black & Gold???? The teeth of Roethlessbergers cell mate......

   just watched the new gay television series "leave it to beiber"

   The Easter Bunny just left me a bunch of tiny brown chocolate eggs. Can't wait to eat them. Yummy!

   told that my Grandfather would never throw anything away! Not even that hand grenade he was holding just before he died.

   I think it's okay for dorks to stare at beautiful women. I mean, it's not like they can see us anyway.

   Does anyone else feel like their in a horror movie... EVERYTIME they step in the shower? Or is it just me?

   if my start phone was so smart it wouldnt get freaked out and start shaking whenever it got a text message.

   Dear Mother Nature, I know you've been on the rag lately, but could you please put a cork in it?!?! Thanks