Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please Don't Give me The "Sorry, He's Not Usually Like this, He's Really Sweet When it's Just us Two Alone Speech" maybe you should, um.. give it to Yourself!"

   do some people have common sense!We are classmates then you send me a request to be your fan!not even friend,FAN!stupid twat!Go jump off a cliff!

   I'm just a nobody, nobody's perfect, therefore I am perfect

   shoving crayons up her nose to brighten up her personality

   reminds you that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

   EVERYBODY: [1] HAVE FUN TONIGHT. [2] WANG CHUNG TONIGHT.

   I am definitely spending too much time on this here internet thing. Today some rude dude bumped into me and I said to him out loud, "Double-you Tee Eff?!"

   My girl is leaving me cos she thinks I'm too gullible... You should have seen her face wen I told her tht I've won the Nigerian lottery.

   Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

   The next person that asks me if ex Salvation Army employees count, gets punched in the throat. Unbelievable

   Shorter Obama: "if you go dumpster diving behind your insurance company and you find your old plan and they say you can keep it. Period!!

   If you add all the distance I've run from my car to the liquor store as its about to close then yes, I have run a marathon.

   Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

   IDEA: pizza that comes in a box made of ice cream cone material so you can eat the box too.

   ...... Today is 4-21 .... National Surprise Drug Test Day!

   P0rnhub will only let you watch 5 videos on your phone. That's why I have 6 phones.

   People who say, "Never mind" after bringing something up really piss me off. Why did you bring it up in the first place?

   I don't post pics of my girl and me on social media for a good reason. What if someone calls her ugly and I have to dump her?

   His plams are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WEBMD: Pancreatic Cancer