Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonder what Emeniem does for his mom on Mother's Day ?

   Any of you lottery playing dumba$$es actually know a single person who's won more than they've wasted?? I didn't think so...

   All I said was Don't spill the bong water. Thanks a lot Amanda guess who's buying me a new Bong Bit€h!

   I tried to make my own sausages today for the grill out. Bit of a failure though. The flames kept melting the condoms I used for the sausage skins.

   Apparently punching an alien looking thing in the face and saying "Welcome to Earth" isn't acceptable on a newborn baby

   No, I'm not cheap, I'm just smart with my money.

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   Have you ever pushed a door that said pull?

   I LOVE beating women..... to the door so I can hold it open for them

   If you are what you eat, then are cannibals the only true humas??? O_O

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

   I have several McDonald's plastic food trays, because once you've snorted a bunch of coke off of one, you feel guilty about putting it back.

   bind people should hook up with burn victims, not only do looks not matter, they may be interesting reading too

   If you blow my high, you owe me weed.

   MOM: Back in the day we didnt have internet…ME:” well thats just too bad for you.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   Elton John had a lovely speech for Witney before his concert in vegas tonight,,then he preceded to sing don't let my son go down on me..

   Last night my wife and I had a dinner party. About Halfway through it, I decided to walk the dog. My wife went mental and told me to grow up and stop doing tricks with my yoyo.

   I hope Snooki doesn't have problems while giving birth, otherwise the Dr. will be saying "Uh oh, looks like we're having a little Situation"

   on a first date I like to make women feel at ease by loudly and clearly proclaiming "I had nothing to do with Columbine" early on