Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a buch of money by leaving the scene of the accident.

   Darn it,,,,, It's almost August and I'm still writing Slovakia on my Czechs!

   Hey girls, Please stop stabbing each other in the back. You're giving real women a bad name.

   wait for it wait for it

   Behind every good time ...there is alwayz a crime.

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   I'm bored. I think I'll get pregnant.

   If you're gonna tell me a story that invokes the phrase "robbed a sex shop" you have my full attention...

   All I'm saying is that teasing orthodontic patients does NOT make me a "brace-ist!"

   I've set aside 2013 for software updates.

   It's 8:35 AM and I've already sat on 3 different toilet seats. My morning in a nutshell.

   Her last boyfriend was Asian: Good news for your D. Her last boyfriend was black: Bad news for your D

   My girlfriend kept going "Ssshhhhh!" during sex, last night. I think she might have a puncture

   I wonder if asparagus makes my jizz smell funny too...

   I wanna go kick a pigeon.

   It has come to my attention that certain things have come to my attention. My attention span being as short as it is.........it has come to my attention

   Seeing my ex with a new guy doesnt upset me.. My mother taught me at a young age to give me used toys to the less fortunate.

   and then satan said, 'let there be schools.'

   █████████████████████ Take that prism!

   remember folks...gravy is NOT a beverage!!