Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

   they guy from Sister Wives just married his 4th wife. WTH is this guy thinking?!?!?

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.

   Before you repent, make sure you have sinned

   told his secretary this morning that her vocabulary was abominable to which she responded by asking me to keep her stocmach out of the question!

   when someone says "Sh*t just got real!" does it mean everything was fake all along ? o_0

   When I call a woman a "candy ass", I am not being mean, it just means that I have a sweet tooth

   i dont wake up in the morning feeling like p diddy. I feel like crap -_-

   The crap I can say with a perfectly straight face is illegal in 48 states. The other two just haven't met me yet.

   you know that show to catch a predator?waiting for the episode when the cameras come out and the guy pulls a fred sanford heart attack ...

   And then it hit me, reality- just like when you realize the chicken you ate last night wasn't cooked all the way...

   practicing her speech for the Oscars with a little help from King George VI. So far all I have is....th..thank....you.

   that the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   "Delete or block some friends!" The new way to "Quit Facebook Addiction". Ridiculous!

   A necktie functions like a tourniquet, preventing excess blood from entering the head.

   Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity.

   I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

   Oh please, all that 2012 crap won't happen! Even if it begins to, the one guy hiding his time machine will whip that out right in time and be the worlds saviour anyway .

   sweating like a one-legged mule in mating season.

   Perhaps tomorrow's Rapture really is going to happen. I just heard Oprah's last guest is going to be God