Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.

   i think we due a bad spell of wether

   I had all kinds of plans for today but then I heard Rump Shaker on the radio and now all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

   On the day that daylight saving time begins. Every husband should have sex with their wife at 1:55am this way the wife can't complain about it only lasting ten minutes

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Cake are square.

   I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.

   Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.

   Thanks I'll be here till 11, don't forget to tip your waitress she's my only ride home.

   Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

   I made a wish to feel young again. I woke up the next morning with a zit on my nose.

   Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.

   My sleep number is pi.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates

   You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning: The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Guys we're having "Little Seizures" tonight!

   Random Person: "It's hard to to get people to unfollow me on Twitter." Kayne West: "Hold my beer.".

   If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions