Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies.. 
I know a kid named Jay, but we call him J for short.
I'm taking my kids to see their mother today. Actually, we're going to feed some ducks but I'm sure her rotting body is still in that pond.
Hey girl, take off your make up, maybe we know eachoter
I'm gonna laugh if this satellite hit japan.
If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, Obama supporters would have the White House filled with pimps and sluts
The kids next doors imaginary friend!
throwing away happy tissues
"likes it when people call him ""kitten"" "
going to stop being so indecisive, no wait, yes I am, maybe..... I guess I will try again tomorrow or maybe sometime next week.
ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman
hates it when people use the term "FOLKS". Are we on Green Acres?
May contain nuts.
Remember this next time you're about to say something stupid to me: Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
Just watched Precious.... I believe the Best Supporting Actress should have totally gone to Mariah Carey's moustache. P.S. Eminem just wrote a rap song about tapping that moustache and even has a sample from a voice mail the flavor saver left him....
Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright because I am a dinosaur.
When you ask a person in a strange town for directions why do they say 'I haven't got a clue'? Don't they understand that you want directions instead of clues?
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead, he jaughed. You know he's been there before.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? Hey, we really DO taste like chicken!! 