Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate boyfriends of women I have a crash on. So pardon me while I hate on your douchebag of a boyfriend.

   I was going to post a picture of the beautiful sunrise this morning but I forgot I'm lazy...

   Error 404: Virginity not found!

   I have a friend with a lazy eye too. His name is Pete ,, or should I say PIRATE PETE. One eye is looking at you, while the other is looking for you.

   Mature content. Blood, intense violence, and strong language. Like a woman on her period.

   Never tell a lady you wanna have sex with her mouth. Ask NICELY. "May you show me what your mouth can do?" Be a damn gentleman for once!

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a beer bottle rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   If you get with me you will be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

   What ship has never docked in Liverpool???? The premiership :) :) :)) :) :))) :)

   How many times do you need the same person to piss in your mouth before you figure out urine doesn’t taste good?

   They should have travel agents for poor people who offer affordable weekend getaways to the homes of people who can afford to go on vacation

   My neighbours are listening to some awesome music today.... I hope they don't tell me to turn it down!!

   I don't care about high gas prices!... I always put $20 dlls in my car!. 

   2 girls and 1 guy, 0 self respect

   Before the Internet I could just move to a new state and start my high school women's gymnastics coaching career all over again.

   Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   "Herpes!"-What I see when your Facebook status says "Vegas, baby!"

   When I wake up I like to play a little game called "Goddamn Good Reason to Leave This Comfortable Bed."

   No one will ever love you as much as I don't.