Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people around me are alive because I can't afford a hitman....!

   Doing the job of three men, Larry Moe and Curly.

   Why does my leg hurt after falling asleep? is it pissed off because I woke it up? It needs to be glad I am just waking it up and not cutting it off.

   I have a theory that the chicken crossed the road simply because it wanted to.

   There are 206 bones in the human body. This can rise to 209 on a regular basis if your name is Jordan.

   Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport

   heading out to track down that homeless guy holding the "End Of Days Is Coming", "Repent Now" sign at the corner....Be right back : )

   Why do the associates at wal-mart never answer the phone..? ..i feel like I'm trying to dial through to a radio station to win tickets to a R. Kelly concert.

   The two most popular smells in the old west...gunsmoke and horse $hit!!!!!

   eating pop rocks and drinking pop. Aint dead yet..

   FBI announced the Scarlett Johansson photos are illegal. Holly Sh*t!! That makes me Public Enemy Number One.........

   Since when did snuck become sneaked, dreamt become dreamed, learnt become learned? What's next, kept become keeped, hung become hanged? Men like to be well hung, not well hanged.

   This cantelope scare is the first time men don't want to see melons

   My ex-wife said I treated her like a possession. As I stared at the searing hot end of my branding iron, I somehow felt incapable of denying this....

   never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of some of your Facebook friends. Eeek! Some of you are scary looking.

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!

   u guys should be able to charge $ for making the rest of us who copy ur posts look funny. but dont charge me, it was my idea.

   oh good, my Obama bucks are still good!

   Hey, do you have change for a $20? $20's are change, bro.

   from now on, I only drink Gluten free beer. Just kidding, I don’t know what Gluten is but I bet it’s delicious!!