Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.

   Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.

   A man mixed his wife's ashes with fireworks....so she could light up his life one last time.

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   I work with a guy that wants to vote for Hillary (just so he can say he lived long enough to see a woman President. Wonder how many of you are out there with the same thoughts?

   "Come on down!!!! You're the next contestant on the Rice is White" ~ Asian game show.

   Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up

   My ex told me to grow a pair of balls, but I'm growing petunias for my garden instead.

   MY MOM ON HER COMPUTER: [please create a password].... MOM: 123abc... [password must be eight characters long],,, "Ummm ok".... passwordmustbeeightcharacterslong

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   I just found out that my dog doesn't like Bacon.. BACON !!... I don't think we can be best friends anymore.

   Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

   I took a train home. Now I don't know how to get it back on the rails...

   Only stupid, brainless and robotic idiots think education needs two layers of middle-men taking a cut out of the budget. (state + fed)

   Don’t waste your time arguing with strangers on the internet. Save that sh*t for your wife.

   How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl + S

   if I had a dollar for everytime somebody said I was pretty ... ive had one dollar -thanx mom!

   Starting my weekend off right with a simmering rage. It's a beautiful day for violence!

   Single girls, who are you wearing matching panties and bra for? Singles guys, who are you wearing clean underwear for?