Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if aliens ask each other, do you believe in humans?

   With pants sagging as low as yours, what do you plan on doing if you suddenly get into a brawl? Cuz I'm going to pants the sh** outta you and run!!!!

   So Chris Brown is starting a new US tour. First he's going to hit Savannah, then Charlotte and then Madison. And then and only after he's hit all three will he start touring

   If beautiful was an hour.... You'd be an eternity. :)

   If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.

   the girl from Subway was saying she can't wait to go home and smoke a blunt! Nice customer service girls.

   A man on the street needs 50 cents to get on the bus. I feel bad for him so I give it to him. The guy smiles, walks in to the nearest bottle shop, comes out with a beer and keeps strolling down the street. Well played homeless man..well played.

   I was just asked what the shelf life was of " fruit cake " , all I could say was when's the rapture .

   Shout out to the illegal aliens that are down to earth

   My God.....even I!M not white enough to like Michael Buble.....

   Sad to see Kim Jong died....he was so good in 16 candle. RIP Long Duk Dong

   I'm sorry madam, but your clothes have to go...but you can stay.

   You cant tell me you dont feel like a Jedi everytime you walk through an automatic door.....especially when there's a big sign on the door saying EXIT and you walk in.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.

   guess I have got to that stage in life where I am either too old for presents or my family has converted to hinduism in my abscense :(

   i hope santa brings me my post apocalyptic survival kit tomorrow! aka: a 12 pack

   Being single and screaming out "SINGLE & LOVING IT!" Yeah don't do that...you don't have a choice

   I hate people who make me nervous! Oh but I love making people nervous!

   Im the guys she marrys, your the guy she only loves in a handicapped bathroom.

   5 years and nine months after you do it doggy style...prepare to feel guilty by the products puppy eyes!