Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I truly cannot visualize the rambling, incoherent creature I saw at the debates now addressing the nation from the Oval Office.

   Even Prime MInister Abe of Japan was surprised by how tiny Donald Trump's hands are, and he comes from a nation of tiny-handed people.

   We all have that one person we would take back in a second, no matter how much they hurt us in the past.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?

   Science puts men on the moon. GOVERNMENTS fly planes into buildings. Religion has nothing to do with it except tricking people into thinking it was religion.

   Hey Japan whats shakin?, ..Too soon?

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

   What I love best about sex with a married woman is wiping myself off with her husband's clean underwear!

   I don't get Pitbull, he makes one decent song and then sings for 10 seconds in others and he makes millions of dollars? Wtf?

   It would have been a more believable story if Jesus had died on a Monday and then rose again on a Saturday, just like I do every week.

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update

   Oh sh*t, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

   going around in circles

   Hey, Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   if I'm ever abducted by a group of hostile and they demand to meet my leader; I think I'll show them my wife

   thinks DJ AM should have been buried in the morning......just sayin'

   Whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute? One's on contract,the other's pay-as-you-go.

   I'm not a Dallas or Miami fan, could care less who won and the Lebron james jokes are stupid.....Kill Yourselves

   hmm still alive... either Sam and Dean stopped it, "Macho Man" called it off, or god is waiting on his crops in farmville...