Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just accidentally started a turf war in his neighbourhood

   HAPPY his cell phone contract will be over on Dec. 21st 2012..... I'm keeping that date open on my Mayan Calender to do some phone shopping....

   Warning: May contain traces of nuts,may cause drowsiness, some assembly required, but not tested on animals.

   What do you do if your about to die in front of a candy store? Eat a life saver :)

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   My seatbelt makes me feel so secure ... Like nothing can get me... I love how it protects me so..... ;)

   getting high and watching sharks...

   Its Friday 13th,an unlucky day.To counteract that you could try a Rabbits Foot or a Lucky Horseshoe. Horseshoes usually bring good luck today,but never trust a horse that wears high heels & remember to never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.

   I miss ___________. I rather not mention you b/c your not worth mentioning :-)

   likes For ALL You PeOpLe to STOP liking every little THANG on Facebook! on ♥.

   My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.

   wonders what the guy who found out what milk was, was doing to the cow.

   if you really were my friend, you would write a little note, but since you never do, I assume you never won't

   Do they have self help programs for procastinators?

   would really like to own a meat factory. My favorite line to scream at the employees would be "GET TO THE CHOPPA!"

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   I'm stuck to the couch. I think I'm half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

   Girl you must have restless leg syndrome because you can't seem to keep those legs closed!!

   I'm so broke, cockroaches don't want to live with me.

   How is Justin Bieber 1 of the 10 most fascinating people...