Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate the people who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   woamn goes to clothing store. clerk asks if she nedds help. woman says "im looknig for a tie that makes my husbands blue eyes stand out" clerk says "make it tight enough & any eyes stand out"

   Don't be like a Pilgrim this Thanksgiving going around spreading disease.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?

   Breaking news .. a White House to hire Bill O'Reilly and appoint him as chair of women's rights committee.

   The lesbians next door gave my a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

   Kim Kardashian's marriage with Kris Humphries lasted longer than Michael Flynn in the White House.

   What kind of idiot would think ingesting disinfectant would kill coronavirus? Everyone knows if you buy tons of toilet paper, you're protected from ever getting it, to begin with!

   I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard

   The Meaning of Life is simply to give your Life Meaning.

   I'll say one thing for the Trumps: the wooden pallet their housekeeper sleeps on isn't missing any slats.

   I had fifty bucks tattooed on my "member". So the next time my wife wants to go out and blow fifty bucks, she can stay home and do it.

   You know, If you say "Blackhawks" real fast a few times in a row it starts to sound like something else...

   scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words

   God takes care of drunks and babies...do you know how lucky that is for drunk babies?

   LOVE is one night stand..........TRUE LOVE is one night stand with same person lifelong..:)

   switching up on you ordinary b!tchesss.

   can't wait for this 365 day weekend to begin.

   women are like pianos,there grand when there not upright!