Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the movies to see "Lincoln". The only thing they had at the snack bar were waffles and Log Cabin Syrup.

   Setting here on the toilet on my iPad playing Draw Something and dropping logs. My morning in a nut shell.

   Don't send me flowers unless its weed.

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back too your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   I bet Mickey's Mom said "Go to your basement!"

   My girl cant have guy friends, Cuz guys are animals. "Ashley, you got something on your mouth. Let me wipe it off with my di*k."

   Jason Collins needs a bubble bath

   Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?… When Nickelodeon made sense.

   Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

   A man came to my door and asked if I would make a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

   Suicide bombers invented blow jobs.

   Does it still count if we only went half black??

   Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.

   i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

   So I wonder if George Michael woke anyone up before he go go'ed, I know he was not planning on going solo...

   I just started a GoFundMe page to buy Michelle Obamas freedom

   The majority of people who are outraged about Benghazi can't even find Libya on a map. Or knew that Benghazi is in Libya til they read this.

   I think Rudolph's wife was named Olive... Like in "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

   Once again this year, Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   I think people should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS, Seriously you and your toilet are not sexy